[Male, 20s - 30s, holding apple. Starts out fretfully talking to himself. Gradually begins to address the audience.]

Okay, calm down. Maybe she’s got a point. Remember what that wise old bird is always telling you: practice respectful listening. ... Now, what did I call him? Oh, yeah, “Ow-wool.” Weird name. I musta been smokin’ something special that night!

So, anyway, maybe Eve’s right. Maybe it’s time for a change. I mean, there’s a whole world out there to explore. We’ve been hanging out, same ol’, same ol’, for … well, to be honest, I’ve lost track. Could be, anywhere from a week to a decade gone by. In all that time, the only new thing in my life, apart from her, of course, is this one lousy apple. And wouldn’t you know it? The landlord says if I so much as take a bite, our lease is kaputski. What a hard-ass. We don’t even get cable! [Beat] Whatever that is…

Eve’s gone bongaholic on this “Tree of Knowledge” thing. She says there’s all kinds-a cool stuff waiting for us out there. Personally, I don’t see how you top watching the T-rex mow the lawn with his teeth, but hey, what do I know? I’m just a dumb [Adam], dude made from dust. Eve says with the right plan for this apple, we can get unlimited bites. Then, we’ll have access to the whole world through streaming. Yeah, [air quotes] streaming…I got into the stream. Just a couple days ago, to stop her nagging, I plunged right in to [air quotes] “wash.” Oooh! So cold! I’m still feeling the shrinkage.

Now, she’s nagging me to bite the apple. I won’t lie to you, it’s tempting … but to give up all this. I dunno. Food, shelter, entertainment … Eden’s got it all. I mean, take last night for example. Eve made spaghetti squash with tomatoes, celery, onions …every kinda vegetable you can name -- well, not you. I’m the namer. Anyway, believe me, it had it all. And yet, somehow, I can’t help feeling there’s something missing. Eve says we’re natural vegetarians, I dunno. Maybe she’s just not that good a cook.

Anyway, menu aside, everything here is perfect. The trees are full of birds, the plains are packed with zebras and gazelles, and the meadows are stocked with sheep, goats, and wolves. Yeah, wolves. They all get along fine. Oh, and the lions. Did I mention the lions? They roar from time to time, but they don’t trouble anybody. Sometimes I wish they would at least chase away that fat-ass apatosaurus, taking up the whole pond. Dude, when that dino lets one rip, shock waves from the bubbles will knock you on your butt! So, yeah, the pond is kinda gross.

But, you should see our beach. It be dope! Smooth, white sand, puffy white clouds, clear blue waters, plus more tropical fish than you can shake a starfish at. Postcard-perfect. I just wish there was something to do there. Eve says out in the [air quotes] “real world,” oceans have waves. She says you can ride them from the horizon right up to the beach. Sounds friggin’ mondo.

But hey, I get to ride. Yeah. I ride all the animals. Except the tortoise. I mean, what would be the point? Best ride is the rhino. Dude, you grab that horn, give him a kick, and whoo-eee, hold on for dear life! Well, it was thrilling, until one day Rhino was charging over rough terrain, and my grip slipped. I fell onto some jagged rocks and … nothing. Turns out, not only is there no [air quotes] “death” here, you can’t even break a leg. Hell, Eve says one night the Ol’ Man took a rib out of my chest while I was sleeping. Didn’t feel a thing. By morning, a new one had grown in its place … and she was here.

Well, that stirred things up. Lemme tell ya, relationships are hard. “Make the bed, pick up those melon rinds, blah, blah, blah.” After a while, even that gets boring. [Beat]. Maybe that’s why Eve got hooked on this Tree of Knowledge thing.

[Stares at apple again.]

So, yeah, it’s tempting. Eve says by streaming, we’ll be able to watch “Survivor.” It’s a bunch of other “people” who have relationships. They live a lot like us, camping in the forest and making fires on the beach. Except they wear [air quotes] “clothes” … sometimes … and they lie, cheat, and humiliate each other all the time. [Beat] Sounds awesome! Plus, Eve says out there, if I catch a rabbit she can turn it into “meat.” Mmmm… meat!

[Bites apple, then looks at it and scrolls as if it’s a phone.]

Oh, wow, dude, the Amazon! Eve says we definitely got to explore Amazon. But look at all these choices. There’s Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, Tik Tok, and … what’s this? [hesitantly reads] “formerly Twitter, now X.” [With growing horror, scrolls a bit more.]

Oh! That is horrendous. Ugh. Totally vile. Dude, what is wrong with these people? That’s it, no way we’re getting mixed up with X. Eve! Stop packing. We’re not going anywhere. Eve! You hear me? [Reacts to a roll of thunder.] Whoa, what was that? Oh, yeah. I named it “thunder.” Good, huh? [Beat] But, I guess this means, like it or not, we gotta go. Where’s that Amazon? I sure hope they sell fig leaves.

-- END --

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